Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Buddha Pears

Now, I really must have one of these Buddha Pears. It's like the girl in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory who really needed a golden egg; well I really need a Buddha Pear. So how do I get one shipped to me??

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Friendship Anniversay

I just have to say that it's really nice to see the friendship between my daughter and her best friend. They met the 1st day of 2nd grade and the next day my daughter received a birthday present from this new friend who she had never ever met before and the rest is well, history.
Today we went to Disneyland to celebrate their 2nd Friendship Anniversary. They even coordinated their outfits for each other. My daughter wore blue for her best friends favorite color and her best friend wore a shirt about blonde's lol.

I love to watch their friendship grow and even with little arguments they always pull through on their own and even call each other sisters.
I was touched that they allowed me to hang out with them today even though I was always the one sitting alone lol

Yeah to new and old friendships that continue to always grow!
Kaila & Michal

Monday, September 14, 2009

A Rant...

I didn't think I'd have any type of "Negative" post on here for at least a couple of weeks lol. However; today I read where someone blamed the bad music of today on the lack of education all around us.

Ok, those who judges should also grammar check their work before doing so. Who are any of us to judge those around us for their lack of education if there is one? How do we not know if these people have any type of learning disability and can't help terrible spelling or grammar?

I agree yes, there is spell check but still who am I to judge anyone? I'm so sick of people judging others but in a general way. Just call out the person and say "Hey Bob, your grammar is terrible" or "Hey Susan, use spell check now and then". Now you may want to do this just to them but maybe explain as well what they can do to better their grammar / spelling.

I'm going back to school hoping to better my education but who I am to judge you if you don't have one? What makes me better than you? People just need to keep quiet but it's great to catch their grammatical error when they're pointing out how bad others are.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


I've started crafting for Kaila's room that I'm working on this week. This is the first K I did with my vintage fabric, flower wire, and tack glue, oh and some charms. The next K I did was much better and bigger! The finished product will be here by Friday! Nice to spend much less money then I would at say Pottery Barn Kids. Who knows I may end up being a crafting junkie or not?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Beauty all around...

As we were walking to and from dinner I noticed how great the clouds looked. I think that fall is coming to my little town of West Los Angeles because it's colder in the evenings (However, I am always cold it seems). The clouds and cool air reminded me how much I love the fall and winter months. I'm looking forward to a great end of 2009 and really living it!

My favorite of the pictures!

Friday, September 11, 2009


So it seems when I take my daughter to the park I am one of say no mothers as I have just entered the Nanny Zone. I do live in an area where yes there are a lot of Nannies but it's becoming less and less Stay at Home Mothers around me.

Now when I used to work Full Time I too wanted a Nanny but now I feel lonely at the park lol with no one to talk to. So really, no offense to Nannies I just want more mothers now that I'm trying to be social.

Which brings me to a couple of things I found online. I thought these were both great. The first is a website to report "Bad Nannies" and the second is a real add from Craigs List for a Nanny.

More to come as I get used to blogging again from the mind of a Stay At Home Mother who should find some work because she really wanted these Juicy pants yesterday at Costco and Pixies tickets today and this whole "Staying within a budget" is hard.

Yes, today I would like a job so I can shop. Call me shallow, it's ok...

Interesting Sites to check out:

This is a real add on Craigs list...I thought this was great, sue me...

This was found on the website - I Saw Your Nanny which has some pretty funny stuff:


Really what these people come up with.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Wow...Long Time...

So, it's been a long time since my last blog post.

A lot has happened but lets just move forward to today. Today I'm home with my soon to be 9 year old and we're just, well, she's just relaxing while I deep clean her bathroom. Oh the joys of motherhood while I look for another job....

I'm happy to say that it's been nice spending some me time, taking some time to do for myself and to spend some quality time with Kaila that I haven't been able to do since June.

I plan on keeping up on my blog which will be nice. I don't know what direction I'm going to move it into but maybe I'll give my book reviews, tips on being a stay at home mom (at the moment), and other things as they come up.

Wish me luck on this new adventure.

To begin here is a home in Columbia, CA that I love. I hope to one day have a garden like this. You never know...it could happen!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Body Issues...

I'm coming clean, I hate my body...I gain over 100 lbs. due to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So after being tested a lot and being a human guinea pig I'm told the only way to lose the weight is Gastric Bypass, so I do it. Heck my insurance approved it in under a day because of the disease I have. I even got over people judging and assuming I over ate a lot which wasn't the case. The truth was that if I didn't have the surgery I'd probably be dead before 40.
Now I'm not a fan of Plastic Surgery to make me stay oh so young. I will age the way I need to and I'm ok with that. HOWEVER; I hate my arms from the extra skin from the surgery. Yes, judge me for the extra skin, I look like a freak when standing naked. Now people say they don't notice and I keep on hearing "Have you lost more weight" but still I'm not used to being thin but still having to cover up my body and still feeling so overweight.

I started working with a trainer and doing ballet to help tone my body and to not have to do the plastic surgery route. After meeting with my trainer Sunday she noticed that it's just extra skin at the top of my arms. I then decided to look into Plastic Surgery....

One consultation and a quote of $18,500.00 I left the office. The funny thing is my insurance would cover my stomach if I wanted that done but the reality is I just really HATE how my arms look. I could care less for the most part about my stomach, ok that is a lie too.

My point, that if I just hold this in I'm going to keep feeling like crap about me. I don't mind putting this on my blog because it's really only read by a few people even though people know about it. Also, if people judge me oh well, they don't know all I've gone through...

Finally, I'm on a super shopping ban after Mothers Day weekend...I'm saving for my surgery and for a new home lol so I really have to save. Heck I should start a website looking for donations. Lots of people do it lol.
I feel really good about my health, the surgeon today said my BMI was under 30, and I'm very active but I'm so insecure of my arms with my past and with the weight loss and I wish I didn't get so sad when I looked at me in the mirror.

My goal is that if I don't get surgery that I come to be in acceptance that I'm ok just being who I am. It's weird, I did all this work on me over the past year and I feel great about 90% of my life but this weight thing keeps creeping up on me and I'd love to overcome it.
Photos are of me before surgery and 115 lbs. lighter

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Starting New...

Amazing what you see when you just look at what is around you...

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Final Day....

I am going to go enjoy my final day and let it be whatever it ends up being...the element of surprise is always fun...

I can't believe it's been one year!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Two Days To Go....

I'm down to the final two days of my life and well, I feel all sorts of things.

Part of me feels like ok, I'm almost done with this practice and that in itself is a little sad because I've gained so much from the practice but another part of me is at peace that if anything really did happen to me, at this very instant I would know the people I really truly care about know that and well that, makes me feel good.

I'm calling my dad and step mother today and just calling them to say hello. They really didn't get the whole practice I was doing. I'm also calling my sister in New York who is this amazing mother and I'm so glad I've gained her as a sister. I adore her, her husband, and lovely daughters.

Other than that I'm preparing my body for it's passing by getting a pedicure after work with my bosses daughter Carin. I'm kidnapping her from her little girls and taking a walk with her. It's supposed to rain today?? so maybe we'll drive. Tonight Eric and I are going to dinner and a movie with some friends and then heading home. I will just bask in all that today is and enjoy every moment in it. I'm a little cheesy what can I say, you don't always get me this cheesy.

I'm so grateful for all I have. I have quality problems and it wasn't too long ago (ok about 11 years ago) that my life was miserable and now it is amazing! I've also been major surgery free for more than a year now. Sure the health problems still exist as they always will but I am doing sooooo much better and feel soooo much healthier. Come to think of it my health is what began me on the Year To Live journey and for something bad to turn into something good is great! See little miracles...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Three Days...

Down to the final three days of this life.

Yesterday we attended the funeral of my bosses mother. Ruth Netter was an amazing woman and the stories told about her were so nice to hear. She always wanted to know how others were doing before she talked about herself. That's cool and something we should all do. I know there are and were times where out of nervousness or selfishness that I would just start talking about me and well, lately it's been nice to see how others are doing. I've been doing that for some time now but it was nice to be reminded of it.

Passover was a good time and Kaila for the first time got really involved in the Seder. She read and really was proud of herself. By the end of the evening while everyone discussed LOST which I could really care less about Kaila and I chilled on the couch, made funny faces, and took lots of pictures of ourselves. I personally think we were having more fun!!

I'm working today and have a midterm in my ballet class. I will then be doing something for me tonight. Probably just relaxing at home. Eric and Kaila are going to Magic Mountain which I hate and though I'd love to be with them that is one amusement park they can do alone. Now I'm thinking maybe I should have gone, that was one of my fears. Na, that is a fear I can get over next year. There's always room to grow.

I think the final two days are going to be a bit harder. I'm giving another letter tomorrow and we are both easy to cry so I will not have her read it while her and her husband aren't with us. I really can't believe the final two days are here. I've gotten so much out of this practice even when not doing it 100% because I did it for me. To change me a bit for the better and feel good about the life I have and I can see where I've done that.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Four Days...

I can't believe the "D" day is four days away.

I decided to ditch independent study yesterday to spend the day with my daughter who is on Spring Break right now. We went and had lunch with my brother and mother and it was nice. We even took a sight seeing tour of Mulhulland Drive like tourists when we drive through it a lot to get back to the westside after visiting friends and family in the valley. I did however make it to my ballet class which I love. It's funny, I see now when people find a passion they just jump right into it. I love my class, I love being challenged, and I'm willing to buy nothing to continue private lessons every other week. I really feel good a bit more about myself. I find it personally rewarding.

We had two funerals yesterday...one at sea funeral for Herbie and we added Josh to our pet cemetery down stairs with my mothers rabbit and our other hamster we used to have Little Little Cutie.

Today is the funeral for my bosses mother. Since my husband grew up with my bosses family we and my in laws will be attending. Today my goal after a bit of work is be there for my boss and try to have compassion where I would normally start getting frustrated and understand she may not be there mentally today. I'm noticing a lot lately that reacting first isn't a good thing because you do never know what people are going through.

Our day will end with my last Passover with Eric's family. I got a taste of the soup for tonight last night and let me tell you, the soup will be yummy!! It will be nice to spend some time with Eric's family. I'm debating on providing a good-bye letter to my in laws. I think I will just mention to them that I have appreciated them and all they've done and well, if you know me that is a large step there lol. Seriously though, they have done a lot for us and my mother in law checks in with me about school and how I'm doing. I think we've all grown.

Enough out of me more tomorrow. I can't believe tomorrow will be the final three day count down.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Five Days...

With five days left yesterday was a different type of day. My bosses mother died and we lost our pet hamster. I have to let an eight year old know this morning that Josh is no longer with us.
My boss seemed ok though but I'm not there with her all the time. I was able to be present for her and take care of things she needed to have done and it was nice. I brought her flowers in the am before I knew she had passed to brighten her day. I'm glad too that her mother went quickly. Ruth was a spit fire of a women. She was so independent. I don't know of many women in their 80's who still drive themselves around and take charge of their life. When she had the mild heart attack the family even felt to a point she'd be ok but within six weeks everything changed. It showed me again how quickly life can be taken away. I'm not sure if I've been around so much death lately to help with the practice I am doing or if it's just life but God it seems like a lot of people are passing even if not as direct as my bosses mom who I saw often and spoke with often. I mean for Kaila's class to have two deaths in two weeks within the past three weeks with a mother and a brother of her classmates dying. How sad but how real to see how it happens. I mean again, it really makes me cherish the life that I have.
We stayed in yesterday instead of going out. I made Chicken, Sweet Potatoes, and rice, and we all watched House. I even took some time to visit with Eric's grandmother. I really like Ellen and feel bad that she seems so lonely at times. She had me try her Chicken/Veggie soup for Passover and it was great!
Yesterday was a day of sadness. Today I will have a sad little girl and I think we will all be a bit sad for Josh (yes he's just a hamster) who has been with us since kindergarten. He was a trooper. I've never seen a hamster live this long.
Finally it's off to a walk with the family, my last breakfast at Factors Deli where we ate so often, and school and I love Tuesdays because it means my dance class. This is growth as well because I've found being happy and content going outside my comfort zone. I used to only know about Tuesdays in the valley and I was afraid to try new things but now I get excited for trying new things. I know I will find what I need anywhere "I" am.
More tomorrow...

Monday, April 6, 2009

Six Days

Well, I'm down to my final six days. Today should be interesting with what is going on with my bosses family and well for the fact that I work out of her home. I'm going in early with the hopes of leaving early because it's Spring Break for Kaila and I would love to spend as much time with her as I can.

Yesterday, my day didn't go as planned but I was able to give my mother her letter and a good friend her letter. My mother got a bit emotional but it was nice. My friend I asked her to read it after we met. It was hard to write those letters and mostly I just asked for them to not let Kaila forget how much I love her.

I feel a bit more free knowing there are people who would be there for her in the event I really did pass away. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no rush to not be here with my daughter but it's good to know I can rely on some to be there for her.

I think we can go bike riding / jogging tonight. That will give Kaila and I some alone time or maybe I can convince Eric to join us. That would be really nice. If not, a family movie night. Kaila is having testing done today so she may not be up to riding her bike but you never know. Heck maybe we'll go to the Secret Beach today. I don't know but all I know is tonight it will be about family...
Taken yesterday as Kaila and I played at the park. So much fun!

Sunday, April 5, 2009


It's finally down to my final week. I can't believe a year has almost passed. My goal for this final week is to just be. Just be ok with who I am so there would be no regrets...period. I want to do something even more with my family so they know how much they meant to me and really be present for them this week.

There has been a lot of death around me lately but not with my family or directly connected to me. My bosses mom is dying at her home and I work there, my daughters class mates mother died, her class mates brother was killed. It seems death does happen and whenever it happens we really have no choice. Be right sized.

Today we celebrate Eric. We will be celebrating the last 12 years of his life and will also be going to lunch with some of our close friends and with Miss Kaila and little Charlie. It's supposed to be beautiful today! I'm looking forward to this day with my family and friends. This will be the last time for the practices purposes that I will see some of these friends and I'm trying to figure out my good-bye (for now) but I know the words will come to me when the time is right.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The time is near...

My time here is coming to an end. I didn't realize but my actually D-day is April 12th. I'm going to leave my family early Easter morning and go to the mountains near me and meditate and just be quiet or take a hike in silence. No phone, no music, etc.

I will then begin my new life with a Easter Brunch with the family. I'm so happy to be able to treat my mother, nephews, and niece to a nice brunch with Eric and Kaila. We're going to the marina to this restaurant Eric, Kaila, and I ate at recently. It was nice and relaxing there and the atmosphere was no nice as well.

I've been a bit busy lately with school, work, Kaila's school, playing mom and wife, etc. that I felt like I was going off track but that is ok because I got right back on track.

I feel I've gained so much from this Year to Live practice and I hope to continue to grow and be more and more at peace in my life and never have any regrets!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Thinking Back...

I was going through some pictures today, looking for pictures from my father when I came across these old ones of Kaila. I can't believe she's 8 already! Where has the time gone??? I'm just so grateful she's part of my life!
Kaila after our trip to Hawaii
My angel Kaila
Can you feel the love she had for ballet
1st day of preschool
Yes, this gangsta look courtesy of her father lolI love this photo of her just being a kid
Kaila being goofy
another 1st day of preschool

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Comfort Zone...

Yesterday I attended a birthday get together / party for a friend of mine who is from Israel and most (ok all) of her friends in attendance were from Israel as well. This being said at first almost everyone (unless they were talking to me) was talking in Hebrew until the "real talk" began. Finally some English lol. At that point I really wish I understood Hebrew.
Still, the talk was amazing and it's funny that we all hear what we need to hear and I loved the honesty of my friend who recently went through some "life changes" and was able to discuss them with all of us, openly, which showed us that we may not always get along with everyone, or that when we need certain people back in our lives they are there. We talked about Forgiveness and how unless we forgive we are the one feeling the pain and misery. Usually the other person is over it.
We also talked about what I call "random acts of kindness" you know doing for others and expecting nothing back. We all need to do this more I believe. I think sometimes, I know for myself I get very busy and forget to help others in different ways. It can be as easy as listening when someone is going through something and just really listening or it can be something we never thought we'd do but in the moment it feels just right to do. I think it helps with the give and take in our lives.
At the end of the night we were all given a road block in our lives to work on. It's funny I grabbed "Need to Control". Now I know that can be a problem for me but I plan on working on it more. Those women were so honest and open and it was nice to find that kind of comfort in the end when I felt so out of my comfort zone when I arrived. It was neat that my friend had a teacher there because she wanted to give for her birthday. Give her friends the chance to work on themselves and feel great about themselves. It was neat that all these women, there were like 20 of them were so open with each other. It reminded me of dinners and coffee on Fridays with my girlfriends and it was nice to feel that again.
My point in all this is that I knew there would be language barriers but instead, a friend invited me over for her birthday, I was able to get out of myself and my worry, and be a friend to her and celebrate her. I didn't let fear get in my way...

Monday, March 9, 2009

About a month to go....

I missed my last Year To Live group. I wasn't feeling well yesterday and it was best that I rested. I've been very busy since starting school and I think I just had a physical melt down yesterday starting with waking via a migraine. Everyone is supposed to be getting together April 18th so I know I can attend that. I emailed/called one of the facilitators and let them know what was going on.

I was actually excited about going because I had done some more of wanted I wanted to do before I "die". I also am taking off my "death day" and just having a a day of meditation and rest. Just to be alone with me. I'm actually looking forward to it.

I've gotten so much out of this practice including being ok with me and the choices I make. I've been having some "fears" about my ballet class. I'm a note junkie. I feel that if you take notes you can do anything your taught. We are also encouraged to take notes during class so we don't look like we're not learning anything. However; I felt like I was the only one answering questions Thursday and I felt like the "know it all" or the "suck up" and I wasn't, I just want to get a good grade and do this class right. Not being in school for 15 years and I really want to get the most out of it. I got over that feeling pretty quick because I'm there again, for me and nobody else.

I'm so grateful to have done this over the past year and with a bit less than a month to go I'm looking forward to all that happens.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Big Bear 2009

We're back to our regular scheduled lives....We had a blast in Big Bear. I got to snowboard a teeny tiny bit and you know that was fine. Miss Kaila wasn't enjoying snowboarding so much so we just stopped.
We went tubbing though and at $25.00 a pop I thought that was crazy. Seeing though this may have actually been my last trip to Big Bear we splurged a bit.

I'm glad I accomplished another fear. I have a bruised shoulder but nothing broken and a lovely sunburn from the snow (WOO HOO) but all in all it was a great family time by all.

I have a bit more than a month left on this YTL and I've been told by some they see really big changes in me. I really feel everyone should do this practice just once in their life. It really makes you value and see what is important in your life.

Here's a couple pics of the family adventures. Kaila really enjoyed being in the snow and yes, I enjoyed a snowball fight in flip flops (I know you can't take the So. Cal gal out of me).

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Oops it was Tuesday too??

I attended my first ballet class tonight. Before class I saw people talking about the class on Tuesday, yes that was a shock to me. I SWEAR my form said Thursday abut I guess it was Tuesday and Thursday. Still I was very prepared and that was good. I even spoke with the professor and she was ok too.

I'm a bit bummed because I will not be attending the Women's Meeting I love or seeing my gals in the valley until the end of this semester and it's 18 weeks long. I will be ok and I can't wait to see them all when it's over or there is a break, yes, I will begin looking forward to Spring Break lol.

This is the only class where I was actually nervous to walk into. This class is out of my comfort zone even more so then learning Economics or Algebra. I have body issues and especially from the amount of weight I lost. I have to admit. I was in the front of the class and the mirrors were right there and I was able to look at myself a couple of times and be ok with me. It was hard to do. I also liked that our Professor told us not to say "Sorry" unless we actually physically hurt someone or hurt someones feelings. I said sorry at one point and her response "Why are you sorry? You're learning" Gotta love that.

I'm excited as well that I'm going to get footless tights and some different dance clothes. I can't wait to see what happens. I even learned some moves today and can't spell them yet but also learned that all moves in Ballet are said in French. Good to know something new.

That completes my first week back in school. I'm tired and have a lot to do tomorrow for work but I feel good that I walked through it all and I'm looking forward to next week and the weeks after.

Fun with Kaila

The pictures say it all. Time with Kaila is fun time!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Day Two Down, One To Go

I completed day two of school. Algebra was well, FUN. I know this may sound odd and I could change my mind next week but I really enjoyed learning tonight. On the assessment I received 27% correct (8 out of 30) but on my first chapter 1.1 quiz I got a 74% correct (32 out of 43). I think that is WONDERFUL seeing that even though I have a B in Pre Algebra I don't remember anything about it or even taking the class.

I also did a walk through today of where my ballet class is tomorrow and it's so close to the parking. I thought a walk through would be good since I had to return one of my books for the correct one (oops) which also saved me $26.82. Yeah to little mistakes lol.

I'm exhausted and off to bed but my final "Back to School" post will be on tomorrow after class.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Completed, Day 1

Today was a super busy day for moi. I received an email this morning with a elogin for my ballet class where I was notified of what books to get (I even bought one wrong) and what I need to wear. College is a bit pricey if you ask me. The books came to sixty and change and the clothes total cost was $126.00 and that was from a dance store. I even tried Target and they don't carry what I needed, you think they would but oh well.

My first class today was Economics. I past my first quiz and think I will actually enjoy Economics because I'm trying to save right now and for starters I learned today about Need vs. Want and boy do I want a lot but need little.

Tomorrow is Algebra and I will be eating dinner and heading to school from work. I'm exhausted now and still not done for the evening but I feel good about attending today. I feel good about going back to school and I'm excited to see what happens next. I will be doing updates tomorrow and Thursday as a "Back to School" play by play.

I am nervous about Algebra because I SUCK at math but I know I will be just fine. Until tomorrow.....

Sunday, February 15, 2009

New Glasses...

I went today to get my eye exam and new glasses. I was happy to find out my vision has gotten better, yes better! I was asked if I'm on vacation and I said no but said I went from 12 to 14 hour work days to 7.5 hour work days and well, that did the trick. Less computer time = less vision issues! Here's a side shot of the new glasses but you can kinda tell they're cat eye shaped. I was able to get smaller frames as well. I am finding more and more advantages to weighing less. These are fun glasses and smaller than the ones I just had. Happy Moi!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Two Months To Go....

Last Valentines Day, Last first day of school, etc. etc.

I'm down to the last two months of my life (so to speak). My intention is to spend this next month with my family trying to do as much fun stuff as we can without going crazy being busy. Really that may be a problem since I'm always on the go but I do have some ideas that can be realistic:

1. Eric and I are going to the spa for Valentines Day getting Hot Stone Massages...Can't wait and we're having lunch at Market City Cafe my favorite place to eat. Seems like it will be a nice and relaxing Valentines Day. Who knows we're talking about more tattoo's, you never know..

2. I want to spend the day up in Big Bear. I'm shooting for a couple of weeks from now. Even if it's just an overnight trip. I really want to play with Kaila in the snow.

3. One last trip to the secret beach....It's a great place for our family. We have a lot of fun there.

The point for the next month is to have more fun and commit to less where it takes out of my normal to do weekly.

I've taken care of my will, planned my memorial, and am starting to feel like I'm ok if I were to have two months less.

Interesting though that this practice has actually got me looking forward more to my future. I didn't think I would be starting school next week and working less (by choice) but you know walking through fears is what I've been doing this past 10 months and I thank this practice for helping me get through and try things I didn't think I'd do.

I'm also going to start at least once a month going to a assisted living facility and giving more of me. It's easy to donate money but I want to be there for others. My aunt was alone a lot in her assisted living and I would never want to feel alone when my life was declining so I think it will be nice to be there for others. It's part of the practice but it really stood out to me especially with going through the death of my aunt this past July.

More to follow..............

Friday, February 6, 2009

Math & English...Oh My

So I took my Math and English assessments for Santa Monica College. Now I'm doing their High School program and I hope that when I'm done with it I can re-take the Math portion. Seriously I did so bad and I knew I would. On a lighter prettier note I rocked the English portion. I'm very happy about that.

I did it. I walked through more fear, played student, got stuck in rain traffic, but I did it and I'm so happy I did.

More school updates to follow...School starts the 17th and I can't wait!

Monday, February 2, 2009


I saw this great quote on fear that was sent to me via email....

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear....Mark Twain

Friday we had a family emergency which is neither here nor there and I was in fear for numerous people in my family. I could have reacted being all upset but that would have gotten everyone nowhere. Instead, I walked through the fear and was able to be a big sister to my brother and a daughter to my mother when they both needed me most.

Things still aren't 100% but I've learned that not running from my fears is a great thing and there is growth there. I'm in no rush to be in constant fear but I do know, now, that I can get through it as I did Friday and Saturday...with grace and dignity.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


a Billboard just says it all.......

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Final Three Months

So I'm here at Starbucks working on my "Last Will & Testament". I'm at the final three months of this practice I've been doing and it's time to start my Good-Bye process. It's interesting that when actually preparing this document who I think of when it comes to receiving my items or my beloved things that right now I would not part with. There are some people receiving things that are a given but I've left my books to someone I haven't spoken to in some time. Well between her and my daughter. It shows me that even though people grow apart when it comes down to it, who I trust to take care of my possessions who I chose. I trust this individual that if I want certain things kept and not given away that she would take care of them. I really got a warm feeling when I typed her name onto the document.

It is a bit scary writing this up because I really don't plan on dying in April but it will be good to be prepared because we really don't know what will happen day to day. I've been in two major car accidents that I didn't expect either time and well it feels good that even though it is for this practice I'm looking at what I'd like done in the event God forbid something happened to me before what I feel would be my time to go.

If I've learned anything thus far about myself through this practice is that I've had to do a lot of telling myself I'm not how I really feel about myself, that feelings really aren't fact, I'm right where I need to be, I'm not as bad as I think I can be, and I have to give myself a lot more credit than I do. I've been working more with my sponsor on this as well and I feel even with some set backs I'm doing much better taking care of me then I have in a long time.

These next three months are going to be so interesting and I'm looking forward to every minute of it!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Vegas....No More

Yes, I enjoy Vegas and maybe a bit too much. My goal was to enjoy myself and relax. Yes, I did spa treatments but I have a bit of a problemo with the slot machines lol. I know that unlike Eric I want to just take more money out of the ATM and not that I don't have the money but I believe everyone has limits and well, I'm not good at limits which is something I'm working on. I'm also on a mission to buy a home so spending more than allotted on a trip doesn't help the home fund.

On a lighter note in the Vegas yesterday we saw LOVE and it was excellent. It was neat how they went through the years of The Beatles. Very worth seeing. I found out we had seats in the VIP area which was nice too. We had the best view in the house. I'm glad we saw it because I've now seen everything I need to in Vegas and I stayed at the Bellagio one last time. Eric says maybe we can come every couple of years but I don't feel comfortable. In my years of recovery I've learned if I don't feel comfortable 100% somewhere to not be there and right now this is Vegas for me. I don't care if it sounds stupid. I'm trying to be proactive.
The moral of my story is I can't say no to gambling, I know this and going forward relaxing will be going to Big Bear or other places with quiet Bed & Breakfast Inns where I can actually relax...My goal was to do a lot of reading, that didn't happen.
Below are some pictures of our trip to Vegas, well the first couple of days....

The View from our room, it was like being in Paris, ok maybe not

I love the ceiling art at The Bellagio

I clean up nicely...I dressed up for LOVE and it was like 38 degrees when this picture was taken but I wanted a picture of me dressed up lol

Eric and I before LOVE. See the jacket (YES I now own a jacket after the suggestion of a couple people) because it was too cold out

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Really...No Complaints Here

As I sat here looking at the top news stories for 2008 I realize how lucky I/We really do have it here in the United States. There was so much fighting & Natural disasters around the world this past year and even when we have something horribly go wrong (not that I'm looking for it) but still it seems we all pull together and get through it.

Here is a picture of Palestinian children playing together. To think these kids and kids in Israel have come to accept (maybe not accept) but come to know that fighting happens quite often is pretty sad. I'd hate for my child to have to live with the fact we may be a war at anytime. It can happen but luckily she's never had to be in fear of her life and I hope to keep it that way.

This year I hope to see a few more happy stories around the world. I know the media loves to show what's going wrong but I hope to see a bit more of what could be going right....

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Goals......One Down!!

What better way to start off the New Year then by enrolling at Santa Monica Community College. I'm so excited!!!! Here's a part of my welcome letter from them:

"WELCOME TO SANTA MONICA COLLEGE! Congratulations on your admission to Santa Monica College. You will be joining an academic community focused on helping you meet your educational goals."

Can we say oober happy!! I've been so lucky to find jobs where I make very good money and I'm making more money now then I have ever have. I make more than people with degrees and well, even though that is nice I never graduated high school and that is one of my goals that I just kept putting off.

I'm no longer putting off anything that means a lot to me. Ok, I may take breaks because my goal is also to get more rest but my time has come and I'm so happy to do this. This community college offers classes to get your High School Diploma. I haven't enrolled in those classes yet but I did enroll in Ballet....I will be doing the rest of my enrollment this Thursday....

More updates to come and I can't wait to be able to tell my daughter that I did finish school. This is just the beginning...I will get my degree in music one day too....Well, that is my goal! Stay Tuned...