Sunday, April 12, 2009

Starting New...

Amazing what you see when you just look at what is around you...

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Final Day....

I am going to go enjoy my final day and let it be whatever it ends up being...the element of surprise is always fun...

I can't believe it's been one year!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Two Days To Go....

I'm down to the final two days of my life and well, I feel all sorts of things.

Part of me feels like ok, I'm almost done with this practice and that in itself is a little sad because I've gained so much from the practice but another part of me is at peace that if anything really did happen to me, at this very instant I would know the people I really truly care about know that and well that, makes me feel good.

I'm calling my dad and step mother today and just calling them to say hello. They really didn't get the whole practice I was doing. I'm also calling my sister in New York who is this amazing mother and I'm so glad I've gained her as a sister. I adore her, her husband, and lovely daughters.

Other than that I'm preparing my body for it's passing by getting a pedicure after work with my bosses daughter Carin. I'm kidnapping her from her little girls and taking a walk with her. It's supposed to rain today?? so maybe we'll drive. Tonight Eric and I are going to dinner and a movie with some friends and then heading home. I will just bask in all that today is and enjoy every moment in it. I'm a little cheesy what can I say, you don't always get me this cheesy.

I'm so grateful for all I have. I have quality problems and it wasn't too long ago (ok about 11 years ago) that my life was miserable and now it is amazing! I've also been major surgery free for more than a year now. Sure the health problems still exist as they always will but I am doing sooooo much better and feel soooo much healthier. Come to think of it my health is what began me on the Year To Live journey and for something bad to turn into something good is great! See little miracles...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Three Days...

Down to the final three days of this life.

Yesterday we attended the funeral of my bosses mother. Ruth Netter was an amazing woman and the stories told about her were so nice to hear. She always wanted to know how others were doing before she talked about herself. That's cool and something we should all do. I know there are and were times where out of nervousness or selfishness that I would just start talking about me and well, lately it's been nice to see how others are doing. I've been doing that for some time now but it was nice to be reminded of it.

Passover was a good time and Kaila for the first time got really involved in the Seder. She read and really was proud of herself. By the end of the evening while everyone discussed LOST which I could really care less about Kaila and I chilled on the couch, made funny faces, and took lots of pictures of ourselves. I personally think we were having more fun!!

I'm working today and have a midterm in my ballet class. I will then be doing something for me tonight. Probably just relaxing at home. Eric and Kaila are going to Magic Mountain which I hate and though I'd love to be with them that is one amusement park they can do alone. Now I'm thinking maybe I should have gone, that was one of my fears. Na, that is a fear I can get over next year. There's always room to grow.

I think the final two days are going to be a bit harder. I'm giving another letter tomorrow and we are both easy to cry so I will not have her read it while her and her husband aren't with us. I really can't believe the final two days are here. I've gotten so much out of this practice even when not doing it 100% because I did it for me. To change me a bit for the better and feel good about the life I have and I can see where I've done that.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Four Days...

I can't believe the "D" day is four days away.

I decided to ditch independent study yesterday to spend the day with my daughter who is on Spring Break right now. We went and had lunch with my brother and mother and it was nice. We even took a sight seeing tour of Mulhulland Drive like tourists when we drive through it a lot to get back to the westside after visiting friends and family in the valley. I did however make it to my ballet class which I love. It's funny, I see now when people find a passion they just jump right into it. I love my class, I love being challenged, and I'm willing to buy nothing to continue private lessons every other week. I really feel good a bit more about myself. I find it personally rewarding.

We had two funerals at sea funeral for Herbie and we added Josh to our pet cemetery down stairs with my mothers rabbit and our other hamster we used to have Little Little Cutie.

Today is the funeral for my bosses mother. Since my husband grew up with my bosses family we and my in laws will be attending. Today my goal after a bit of work is be there for my boss and try to have compassion where I would normally start getting frustrated and understand she may not be there mentally today. I'm noticing a lot lately that reacting first isn't a good thing because you do never know what people are going through.

Our day will end with my last Passover with Eric's family. I got a taste of the soup for tonight last night and let me tell you, the soup will be yummy!! It will be nice to spend some time with Eric's family. I'm debating on providing a good-bye letter to my in laws. I think I will just mention to them that I have appreciated them and all they've done and well, if you know me that is a large step there lol. Seriously though, they have done a lot for us and my mother in law checks in with me about school and how I'm doing. I think we've all grown.

Enough out of me more tomorrow. I can't believe tomorrow will be the final three day count down.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Five Days...

With five days left yesterday was a different type of day. My bosses mother died and we lost our pet hamster. I have to let an eight year old know this morning that Josh is no longer with us.
My boss seemed ok though but I'm not there with her all the time. I was able to be present for her and take care of things she needed to have done and it was nice. I brought her flowers in the am before I knew she had passed to brighten her day. I'm glad too that her mother went quickly. Ruth was a spit fire of a women. She was so independent. I don't know of many women in their 80's who still drive themselves around and take charge of their life. When she had the mild heart attack the family even felt to a point she'd be ok but within six weeks everything changed. It showed me again how quickly life can be taken away. I'm not sure if I've been around so much death lately to help with the practice I am doing or if it's just life but God it seems like a lot of people are passing even if not as direct as my bosses mom who I saw often and spoke with often. I mean for Kaila's class to have two deaths in two weeks within the past three weeks with a mother and a brother of her classmates dying. How sad but how real to see how it happens. I mean again, it really makes me cherish the life that I have.
We stayed in yesterday instead of going out. I made Chicken, Sweet Potatoes, and rice, and we all watched House. I even took some time to visit with Eric's grandmother. I really like Ellen and feel bad that she seems so lonely at times. She had me try her Chicken/Veggie soup for Passover and it was great!
Yesterday was a day of sadness. Today I will have a sad little girl and I think we will all be a bit sad for Josh (yes he's just a hamster) who has been with us since kindergarten. He was a trooper. I've never seen a hamster live this long.
Finally it's off to a walk with the family, my last breakfast at Factors Deli where we ate so often, and school and I love Tuesdays because it means my dance class. This is growth as well because I've found being happy and content going outside my comfort zone. I used to only know about Tuesdays in the valley and I was afraid to try new things but now I get excited for trying new things. I know I will find what I need anywhere "I" am.
More tomorrow...

Monday, April 6, 2009

Six Days

Well, I'm down to my final six days. Today should be interesting with what is going on with my bosses family and well for the fact that I work out of her home. I'm going in early with the hopes of leaving early because it's Spring Break for Kaila and I would love to spend as much time with her as I can.

Yesterday, my day didn't go as planned but I was able to give my mother her letter and a good friend her letter. My mother got a bit emotional but it was nice. My friend I asked her to read it after we met. It was hard to write those letters and mostly I just asked for them to not let Kaila forget how much I love her.

I feel a bit more free knowing there are people who would be there for her in the event I really did pass away. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no rush to not be here with my daughter but it's good to know I can rely on some to be there for her.

I think we can go bike riding / jogging tonight. That will give Kaila and I some alone time or maybe I can convince Eric to join us. That would be really nice. If not, a family movie night. Kaila is having testing done today so she may not be up to riding her bike but you never know. Heck maybe we'll go to the Secret Beach today. I don't know but all I know is tonight it will be about family...
Taken yesterday as Kaila and I played at the park. So much fun!

Sunday, April 5, 2009


It's finally down to my final week. I can't believe a year has almost passed. My goal for this final week is to just be. Just be ok with who I am so there would be no regrets...period. I want to do something even more with my family so they know how much they meant to me and really be present for them this week.

There has been a lot of death around me lately but not with my family or directly connected to me. My bosses mom is dying at her home and I work there, my daughters class mates mother died, her class mates brother was killed. It seems death does happen and whenever it happens we really have no choice. Be right sized.

Today we celebrate Eric. We will be celebrating the last 12 years of his life and will also be going to lunch with some of our close friends and with Miss Kaila and little Charlie. It's supposed to be beautiful today! I'm looking forward to this day with my family and friends. This will be the last time for the practices purposes that I will see some of these friends and I'm trying to figure out my good-bye (for now) but I know the words will come to me when the time is right.