Two Days To Go....

I'm down to the final two days of my life and well, I feel all sorts of things.

Part of me feels like ok, I'm almost done with this practice and that in itself is a little sad because I've gained so much from the practice but another part of me is at peace that if anything really did happen to me, at this very instant I would know the people I really truly care about know that and well that, makes me feel good.

I'm calling my dad and step mother today and just calling them to say hello. They really didn't get the whole practice I was doing. I'm also calling my sister in New York who is this amazing mother and I'm so glad I've gained her as a sister. I adore her, her husband, and lovely daughters.

Other than that I'm preparing my body for it's passing by getting a pedicure after work with my bosses daughter Carin. I'm kidnapping her from her little girls and taking a walk with her. It's supposed to rain today?? so maybe we'll drive. Tonight Eric and I are going to dinner and a movie with some friends and then heading home. I will just bask in all that today is and enjoy every moment in it. I'm a little cheesy what can I say, you don't always get me this cheesy.

I'm so grateful for all I have. I have quality problems and it wasn't too long ago (ok about 11 years ago) that my life was miserable and now it is amazing! I've also been major surgery free for more than a year now. Sure the health problems still exist as they always will but I am doing sooooo much better and feel soooo much healthier. Come to think of it my health is what began me on the Year To Live journey and for something bad to turn into something good is great! See little miracles...

Four Days...

I can't believe the "D" day is four days away.

I decided to ditch independent study yesterday to spend the day with my daughter who is on Spring Break right now. We went and had lunch with my brother and mother and it was nice. We even took a sight seeing tour of Mulhulland Drive like tourists when we drive through it a lot to get back to the westside after visiting friends and family in the valley. I did however make it to my ballet class which I love. It's funny, I see now when people find a passion they just jump right into it. I love my class, I love being challenged, and I'm willing to buy nothing to continue private lessons every other week. I really feel good a bit more about myself. I find it personally rewarding.

We had two funerals yesterday...one at sea funeral for Herbie and we added Josh to our pet cemetery down stairs with my mothers rabbit and our other hamster we used to have Little Little Cutie.

Today is the funeral for my bosses mother. Since my husband grew up with my bosses family we and my in laws will be attending. Today my goal after a bit of work is be there for my boss and try to have compassion where I would normally start getting frustrated and understand she may not be there mentally today. I'm noticing a lot lately that reacting first isn't a good thing because you do never know what people are going through.

Our day will end with my last Passover with Eric's family. I got a taste of the soup for tonight last night and let me tell you, the soup will be yummy!! It will be nice to spend some time with Eric's family. I'm debating on providing a good-bye letter to my in laws. I think I will just mention to them that I have appreciated them and all they've done and well, if you know me that is a large step there lol. Seriously though, they have done a lot for us and my mother in law checks in with me about school and how I'm doing. I think we've all grown.

Enough out of me more tomorrow. I can't believe tomorrow will be the final three day count down.

Sunday....

It's finally down to my final week. I can't believe a year has almost passed. My goal for this final week is to just be. Just be ok with who I am so there would be no regrets...period. I want to do something even more with my family so they know how much they meant to me and really be present for them this week.

There has been a lot of death around me lately but not with my family or directly connected to me. My bosses mom is dying at her home and I work there, my daughters class mates mother died, her class mates brother was killed. It seems death does happen and whenever it happens we really have no choice. Be right sized.

Today we celebrate Eric. We will be celebrating the last 12 years of his life and will also be going to lunch with some of our close friends and with Miss Kaila and little Charlie. It's supposed to be beautiful today! I'm looking forward to this day with my family and friends. This will be the last time for the practices purposes that I will see some of these friends and I'm trying to figure out my good-bye (for now) but I know the words will come to me when the time is right.

Endings & New Beginnings

Yesterday at 10:15AM my aunt Francine past away. She had died 10 minutes before I got to the hospital. I beat myself up at first for making stops but you know, I was there everyday almost all day with her. Nightly I would tell her I love her and let her know it was OK to move on. I saw there was no reason to beat myself up over something I had no control over. It was her destiny to move on when she did.

My aunt is at peace now. She was a neat lady. Before her Parkinson's started she would have these beautiful gardens. She loved animals and loved her old T.V. shows. I remember as a child having to watch The Sound of Music and The Towering Inferno so many times because those were two movies she'd watch over and over again.

It's sad, yes, but my mother and I took care of all the arrangements yesterday and we are going to do a family memorial once we receive her ashes in a couple of weeks.

Today is a new day and a day I can live to the fullest. It's the start of a new month and a new year for me as well. I'm grateful that I am the person I am today and that I was able to be there and accountable for my family when they needed me most. I used to be the person you wouldn't call or rely on for anything.

I've included a picture of Francine from my wedding before her Parkinson's finally took over. As I close, my sappy moment for you is to remember to cherish the ones you love, always.

Dreams...

I woke up today after my second night in a row dreaming that I had died. It was troubling to me why I keep having these dreams. In each dream I really want to let KK know I miss her but I can't be with her and it's a struggle.

I decided to look online and see what the whole Internet would say about dreams where I'm dead and it was actually quite positive. I looked at a bunch of dream dictionary's and:

"If you dreamed of being dead yourself, it indicates an approaching release from all your worries and/or a recovery from illness."

Sounds good to me. I've been very, super busy these past couple of weeks and I tend to worry through the really busy times. It's odd to dream that ones dead. I mean usually you know how you just WAKE UP so quickly right before dying in a dream but to go through dying and not waking up is odd.

I really do believe that our dreams play a big part in what is going on with us. I had a therapist in my younger years who worked on my dreams with me because I had night terrors. He showed me that if we look at the different aspects of our dreams we can see what we are going through. You know, at that point in my life he was correct. I think even if I broke apart my nightly dreams it would still be true.

I will not be afraid by my dreams today, even the ones that aren't the easy perfect dreams we all look for.

Life & Death

Ok, so my minds been in overtime over the past week.

To begin I'm having surgery next week. Not a bad surgery but they're removing my gallbladder. Still, I'm being put under. I have at home a 7 year old.

Then my closest friends sister dropped dead, they brought her back, performed heart surgery, and she should be ok. My friends sister has a 9 year old and a 13 year old.

Finally, though I have no interest in him really I mean media should really leave his family alone and sure he was a great actor but Heath Ledger left behind a 2 year old daughter.

My point is that all these events have really had me thinking about death. I know we can't escape it and who really wants to live forever but I just don't want to have K grow up without me. I'm afraid of death. Yes, you heard that right, I don't want to die yet.

I'm in fear of being put under. I had a bad experience this past Monday when they gave me the morphine for the pain. I didn't feel in control of my body and that was really scary for me. I couldn't fall asleep and I was afraid of falling asleep. I just didn't like how it felt. Hence why I'm afraid to be put under on Wednesday.

I feel somewhat stupid for posting this but all this happened this past week and there were kids involved with all instances. I didn't mean to throw a celebrity in there but again, this week another child was effected. I just want to be around to witness all of K's firsts.

I don't mean to sound like a downer but all this thought of death has made me question: "Am I living my life to the fullest?" and if not "What can I do to change that?"

I'm going to try and live each day to the fullest because surgery or not you never know what is going to happen from each moment to the next. I'm not going to be perfect at this but I want to feel good about my life.

I don't know if this made any sense at all but I had to put my feelings out there. Well on a positive note, I'm off to a fun filled day with K and it's her cousins b-day party at a roller rink and it should be lots of fun!