Saturday, January 26, 2008

Life & Death

Ok, so my minds been in overtime over the past week.

To begin I'm having surgery next week. Not a bad surgery but they're removing my gallbladder. Still, I'm being put under. I have at home a 7 year old.

Then my closest friends sister dropped dead, they brought her back, performed heart surgery, and she should be ok. My friends sister has a 9 year old and a 13 year old.

Finally, though I have no interest in him really I mean media should really leave his family alone and sure he was a great actor but Heath Ledger left behind a 2 year old daughter.

My point is that all these events have really had me thinking about death. I know we can't escape it and who really wants to live forever but I just don't want to have K grow up without me. I'm afraid of death. Yes, you heard that right, I don't want to die yet.

I'm in fear of being put under. I had a bad experience this past Monday when they gave me the morphine for the pain. I didn't feel in control of my body and that was really scary for me. I couldn't fall asleep and I was afraid of falling asleep. I just didn't like how it felt. Hence why I'm afraid to be put under on Wednesday.

I feel somewhat stupid for posting this but all this happened this past week and there were kids involved with all instances. I didn't mean to throw a celebrity in there but again, this week another child was effected. I just want to be around to witness all of K's firsts.

I don't mean to sound like a downer but all this thought of death has made me question: "Am I living my life to the fullest?" and if not "What can I do to change that?"

I'm going to try and live each day to the fullest because surgery or not you never know what is going to happen from each moment to the next. I'm not going to be perfect at this but I want to feel good about my life.

I don't know if this made any sense at all but I had to put my feelings out there. Well on a positive note, I'm off to a fun filled day with K and it's her cousins b-day party at a roller rink and it should be lots of fun!


Anonymous said...

It's good to live life to it's fullest no matter why you do it or how you come to the realization that today is the day you are living in so make the most of it.

HP is in charge.

Sheila said...

I understand, this is how I was feeling when I had my total hysterectomy (in 2003). Then I felt, well like my deceased grandmother was there with me. I can't explain it, but it was such a comfort to me. I felt like she was telling me it was going to be OK, that I would be OK.

Before kids, I was more reckless, but now that they are here, I don't want to leave them anytime soon. As a mom, these feelings are totally natural.

I try to live my life to the fullest. I believe that hapiness is a choice and if I am not happy, then it is up to me to fix it.

Best Wishes!