When You Don't Know.....

I was never going to post about this experience because it wasn't one of those heart warming experiences that people post about.  It wasn't a "Yeah, they will be OK moment".  It was a moment of and continues to be "What ever happened?" "Is she OK?"

I was at The Grove with my friend Diana around Christmas time and we went to DuPars for lunch.  When we were walking to get a table a woman ran up with her baby who was lifeless it seemed.  She wasn't breathing and didn't look right at all.  She was hitting her back and I don't know what happened but I remember telling her to stop hitting the baby and I lifted her arms.  I then saw the little girl throw up whatever was blocked.  At this point they were calling 911.  My friend and I went out to our table and she instantly hugged me.  I guess I looked like I needed it.  When the paramedics arrived they were with the little girl for some time.  They took her away.  After she was breathing she didn't seem right.  I just kept thinking, "What happened to her?" and "Is she OK?".  My friend said I instantly got in mommy mode and helped.  I let her know that something similar happened to Liam.  He was choking on a penny and if it wasn't for Kaila, who knows what could have happened.  I couldn't hear him choking and I got the penny out from holding his arms up and having him at an angle.  Now mind you I too wanted to hit his back but I remember my MIL and my grandmother both telling me to never do that.

Now fast forward to today.  I'm watching the news this evening and there is a woman who was on the boat in Italy that capsized.  She mentioned being handed a three month old baby girl.  She said she couldn't hold onto the baby any longer and gave her back to her father.  I could see in her eyes and understood when she said she didn't know what came of the little girl and her family.

I'm still wondering what happened to the little girl.  I know that I did the best that I could and I'm grateful I was there that day.  It just reminded me that some situations are out of our hands, that we have to remember we did the best we could, and have to have faith that everything was OK.

Sometimes.......

Sometimes when you have a say 19 month old little boy and you cannot do anything right in the AM to make said boy happy you just want scream "What???".

Sometimes when your say 11 year old girl throws you attitude and raises her voice you just want to.....reflect back on the way you were at 11 and think "God was I really this annoying?"

Sometimes when your precious little guy screams like he's being tortured as you are putting him in his stroller you may just want to leave him there and walk no run far far away.

Sometimes when your 11 year old princess doesn't understand the word NO you may just want to leave her with said screaming toddler and get away as fast you can.

Yes, even with the rough times it's so worth having a 19 month old adventurer and a 11 year old young lady growing up and showing me changes....sometimes....one painful moment at a time lol

Diets....A Thing of the Past!

I've been struggling with feeling like I'm going to be fat again or feeling fat since I found out I was pregnant with L. I was in so much fear of the weight I was gaining during my pregnancy that when they weighed me I couldn't face the scale and yes, I wanted to cry each time.

I don't think others who have not gone from being thin to gaining 100 lbs. in a year to being thin again can really understand how scary it is for me to gain weight. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which caused my issue. I had gastric bypass in 2007 which they said would fix my issues (including weight gain and not being able to lose the weight)

When I got pregnant with L people kept telling me I was looking too thin. I didn't see it. I just saw extra skin and felt fat still. I just didn't want people to be mean to me for my weight. I saw HOW MUCH differently I was treated once I lost the 100 lbs.

I love that I started taking ballet since the bypass surgery. I use the dancing to help me feel better about my body. In the classes at the college I'd have to wear a leotard and boy I didn't want to do that but I did and started feeling more and more comfortable and got a A in the class even!

So as this New Year approached I realized I've become obsessed with my weight because of Weight Watchers and counting calories. Really both are torture for me because I'm so busy that logging food is a chore and makes me obsess about food even more. When I first had L before the wonderful world of Weight Watchers (they had a special) I lost weight and kept losing by eating right, no gluten (bloats me, thanks PCOS), and exercised. I felt great and didn't stress SO.....

I'm done dieting. I'm going back to the ways of healthy eating, no gluten, and exercise. I even would get a piece or two of dark chocolate every night, which I might add is good for the heart. I will exercise the way I like and not feel I have to exercise the "Perfect" way because there really isn't one. I purchased and am waiting for my home Cardio Barre set including portable ballet bar! Yes, I can work out the way I like at home while the kids sleep. During "My" time!

I recently read this story about a mom and her views on being "fat" which made me feel even worse about myself but in a good way. In a way that I need to be gentler to me. You know sometimes exercising too much can be hard on your body. When your then 10 year old turns off your Jillian Michaels DVD while you are crying exercising, there's a problem. Oh and I had severe contusions to my knees. Sweet! It's time to just stop and do what feels natural to me. I'm 36 years old and not 20 and I have no one to impress and I just want to feel good about how I live again. I didn't realize how the greatness of a pregnancy could bring on so much worry and obsession but the little boy rocks!

I end with we all need to be better to ourselves and be more kind. It's amazing how freeing it feels to be going back to the old me. I was told I was much happier then. I'd like to believe that.

Giving Over The Holidays....

I started a Meetup mommy group for L. I'm not as active as I'd like to be BUT I do my best to attend events and have fun.

Tomorrow I've opened our home to my mommy group and not only are we going to celebrate this holiday season but we are going to be collecting donations between us to give to Harvest Home a shelter for pregnant homeless women.

Here's a link to what they are looking for:

http://www.theharvesthome.net/howtohelp_giftinkind.html

My point isn't to donate to them but my point is if you want to feel really good about yourself make some kind of donation this year. Last year our family had each kid select a charity and we all made a donation in their names. K wants to donate her hair to Locks of Love and has two more inches to grow and she's cutting her hair.

We all should remember how blessed we are. I mean really there all things we want but for needs we are all doing pretty good. If you can't donate this year maybe volunteer your time. I find when I'm having a rough time volunteering my time gets me out of myself and thinking about others.

Have a wonderful day!

I'm Not a Perfect Mom BUT Neither are You!

There are some moms I know who feel they are perfect. However; none of us are. Yesterday morning my 16 month old got a hold of his fathers shaving razor and well, the picture to the right was the end result. Yes, blood was everywhere and yes we had to figure out it was the boy bleeding BUT did I honestly think that he would find his fathers razor in a drawer I didn't think he'd get into....NO.

Why beat myself up? Telling other women/mothers about the incident can be all the beating up I need or is it? I assume you hear that I've let (NOT REALLY) my 16 month old play with shaving razors and he's cut his poor finger pretty good and boy I'm pretty incompetent because who would allow their 16 month old to play with razors? I doubt that is what most are thinking and quite frankly if they are they can just not speak to me....period.

I read a lot about children getting hurt and it happens. Did I learn something from this?? Yes, that my boy really does find and get into everything. I also learned that same boy loves to put things down the furnace shoot. I can't be on his tail every second because of the whole you know fact that he has a 11 year old sister too that needs me. I do have my home childproof (to the best of my knowledge) and close off doors and keep L to the best of my knowledge SAFE.

Yesterday he got hurt, I made his boo boo better, moved a razor, and knew I wasn't a bad mom and at the end of the day that is really what matters. Not what others may think about me.

What???

I've had all these feelings and then thoughts run through my head like "I need to be doing more", "I don't make any sense", and "If I only worked..." plus lots of other things run through my mind.

I realize after hearing two women speak tonight that I was in the right place at the right time.

1. I know that I am constantly I guess you'd call it bragging about my life. I do this to feel accepted by you and to show my family how great my life is and to say "Notice Me" but really it stems from growing up the oldest of three in a broken home with a single mom and distant father who I wanted to impress. By seventh grade, which is pretty sad I realized there was no impressing either of them and tried the opposite....be as bad as can be and well that didn't work either and I got sucked into a crappy black hole until the ripe young age of 21. At this point I decided to again impress all and well, it must seem like I'm very into me and a bit of a show off but really I just want you to accept me and to make me feel OK. So guess what....it's too much work and has to stop.

2. I talk too much and well, I ramble. I do this because (a) I'm nervous and (b) I'm nervous and (c) I think you'll think I'm an idiot and the more I talk the more I think you'll feel this way and still I keep talking. This is an ongoing issue but I'm going to stop this too. Let's see how this goes. I'm nervous around everyone, even if I know you and feel I don't make any sense. I don't feel at your level no matter who you are.

3. I used to bring in an income. Used To being the key words. I know am a Stay at Home mom trying to embrace this. The reality is that even though I can't shop the way I want, eat out when I don't want to cook, and do things whenever I still have a roof over my head and soon to be a home for my kids to have more room in. I have food at every meal and can enjoy Starbucks on Fridays. I live in a great neighborhood and don't have to worry about my safety. So I had to make some changes. Big deal. I'm so grateful for what I have and I have to remember that when my husband says I don't need to work that I should embrace being a mom and know they won't always want me around.

4. Diets suck. Eat right, exercise, and make life changes.

So that's it. As my blog expands into my life raising kids with a huge age gap I think I'll add in the changes to my life to make life so much easier. I'm so grateful I'm not the Katherine from 1997 on deaths door but the Katherine of today with quality problems.

Off to bed because who knows if we will have a late night party!

Adventures in being DOMESTIC...Yes, I said DOMESTIC

So, here's the deal. I'm starting a new daily or weekly blog here in my current blog about "My Adventures in being Domestic" First stop cooking a real desert (not my boxed specialties) then onto crafting!!!

I FAILED big time last night at making Angel Babies. It's OK. I didn't have the proper mixer for the egg whites SO it was a sign to buy one, which I will do today. I will attempt this again this evening. Stay tuned for pictures of what may be a Angel Baby.

By the way...I FAILED 3x last night. Can't blame me for trying over and over again...I'm a bit insane like that.

Wish me luck! There may be some very interesting pictures posted from time to time as I try to be Super Domestic Mom!!!

Awaken to the ordinary beauty...

I get these emails with inspirational quotes, etc. and this one really stood out to me and made me stop and think....I really do need to slow down sometimes....I think a lot of us do.

Our lives are filled with demands, responsibilities, expectations, places to go, people to see, things to do. We may get so caught up in the next task that we miss the golden moment happening right now. No matter where we are or what we are doing, if we stop to breathe slowly and notice our surroundings, we will find something to appreciate. We may see a glint of light reflecting off a pane of glass, the look in a friend's eyes, or a small thoughtful thing that our partner does.

Spiritual development is nourished by our senses. The sights, sounds, tastes, touch, and scents in our immediate surroundings are the doorway to awe and mystery. When we awaken to the ordinary beauty in our everyday lives, warm and loving parts of ourselves grow and extend out to those we love.

Quiet yourself for a moment, slowly breathe in and out, and focus on something you appreciate.

Ellen...

This evening we went and had dinner with Eric's parents & grandmother. I enjoy spending time with Ellen because she will reminisce about long ago and about her family. It does get sad at times when she speaks of World War Two but I think it makes her feel good to talk to someone about times past.

Since L was born she seems to be more alive. She turned 90 and all she spoke of was how it was her time to go. She was ready to die. Not anymore. Now she speaks of being around for another at least 5 years.

K being almost 10 has been able to really spend some time with her Great Grandmother. Ellen adores all her great grandchildren. Four now. Three girls and now one little boy. All four of these kids I hope will remember this amazing and sometimes very bitter woman. I want them to remember her and if anything just her. I doubt they'll have memories like Eric or his sister Karla but some memories will be nice.

I got a little sentimental today about her because as I held L and he fell asleep in her room she too fell asleep and it was so nice to be there with a brand new life and a woman who lived a full life. I hope to pass on some of her stories to L & K as they are older. I hope L, K, S, & R know how much their Great Grandmother really does love them.

Took the day...

off. Figured it was a holiday so why not. So today is June 1st. I can't believe in 21 days L will be here and about a month from now my baby will be leaving for a sleep away camp. Time really does fly! I will miss my little girl so much and bond with my new baby boy. I'm so grateful again for the life I have today. I may not have everything I want but I have everything I need!

My Number One...

I'm getting so emotional these days. I know my daughter never checks my blog or views these posts when they feed to fb so I feel it's OK to post this.

I purchased these bracelets yesterday for each of us. I got them so she will see how much of my heart she really has.

I'm very nervous and still struggle to see how much I can love these two children E and I will have. I've been alone with Miss K for 9+ years and though I'm so excited to meet & hold L I've given so much of my heart to this little girl.

I've heard that your heart grows when you have more children. I really hope that is true and that your love for each child is different.

I also have a journal that I'm going to finish before she returns from camp this summer with memories of us both that she can cherish as well.

It's the little things to us that I think will make a big difference with the transition in our household.

Take the time...

to walk through the wet grass, enjoy the smell of the flowers on a neighbors home, call someone you haven't spoken to in some time, or just do something different. It's amazing what doing a little something different can do for ya!

Chats with my Grandmother

I didn't know my fathers birth mother until April of 2007. Since then I've grown to really care and love this women I haven't known for too long. What's been nice is that she lives in CA as well and just five hours from me. To some this may be quite a ways still but to me where the rest of my family is on the East Coast this is nothing. Just a beautiful drive up the coast to Almond Country as I like to put it.

I've started calling her weekly to just say hello and see how she is doing. It's nice to take time out of the day and see how a loved one is.

She's so open about her life, maybe this is where I get my Chatty Kathy stuff from. Yesterday we discussed her new dog, a poodle. I let her know we'd all look forward to meeting the poodle at the end of summer when we come up with the new baby.

I may not get to see her too often but I've made it a point to come up at least twice a year since I've met her. Before my dad found her all of my maternal and paternal grandparents had passed away. Luckily I had E's grandparents but it's nice to have my dads birth mother around. She's even younger than E's father which made her laugh when I told her so.

So that's my entry for today...enjoy the ones in your life whether you've had them forever or just for a short period of time. It's so worth it!

Nannies?

So it seems when I take my daughter to the park I am one of say no mothers as I have just entered the Nanny Zone. I do live in an area where yes there are a lot of Nannies but it's becoming less and less Stay at Home Mothers around me.

Now when I used to work Full Time I too wanted a Nanny but now I feel lonely at the park lol with no one to talk to. So really, no offense to Nannies I just want more mothers now that I'm trying to be social.

Which brings me to a couple of things I found online. I thought these were both great. The first is a website to report "Bad Nannies" and the second is a real add from Craigs List for a Nanny.

More to come as I get used to blogging again from the mind of a Stay At Home Mother who should find some work because she really wanted these Juicy pants yesterday at Costco and Pixies tickets today and this whole "Staying within a budget" is hard.

Yes, today I would like a job so I can shop. Call me shallow, it's ok...

Interesting Sites to check out:

This is a real add on Craigs list...I thought this was great, sue me...
http://stlouis.craigslist.org/kid/1340736465.html

This was found on the website - I Saw Your Nanny which has some pretty funny stuff:

http://isawyournanny.blogspot.com/

Really what these people come up with.

Starting New...

Amazing what you see when you just look at what is around you...

Two Days To Go....

I'm down to the final two days of my life and well, I feel all sorts of things.

Part of me feels like ok, I'm almost done with this practice and that in itself is a little sad because I've gained so much from the practice but another part of me is at peace that if anything really did happen to me, at this very instant I would know the people I really truly care about know that and well that, makes me feel good.

I'm calling my dad and step mother today and just calling them to say hello. They really didn't get the whole practice I was doing. I'm also calling my sister in New York who is this amazing mother and I'm so glad I've gained her as a sister. I adore her, her husband, and lovely daughters.

Other than that I'm preparing my body for it's passing by getting a pedicure after work with my bosses daughter Carin. I'm kidnapping her from her little girls and taking a walk with her. It's supposed to rain today?? so maybe we'll drive. Tonight Eric and I are going to dinner and a movie with some friends and then heading home. I will just bask in all that today is and enjoy every moment in it. I'm a little cheesy what can I say, you don't always get me this cheesy.

I'm so grateful for all I have. I have quality problems and it wasn't too long ago (ok about 11 years ago) that my life was miserable and now it is amazing! I've also been major surgery free for more than a year now. Sure the health problems still exist as they always will but I am doing sooooo much better and feel soooo much healthier. Come to think of it my health is what began me on the Year To Live journey and for something bad to turn into something good is great! See little miracles...

Three Days...

Down to the final three days of this life.

Yesterday we attended the funeral of my bosses mother. Ruth Netter was an amazing woman and the stories told about her were so nice to hear. She always wanted to know how others were doing before she talked about herself. That's cool and something we should all do. I know there are and were times where out of nervousness or selfishness that I would just start talking about me and well, lately it's been nice to see how others are doing. I've been doing that for some time now but it was nice to be reminded of it.

Passover was a good time and Kaila for the first time got really involved in the Seder. She read and really was proud of herself. By the end of the evening while everyone discussed LOST which I could really care less about Kaila and I chilled on the couch, made funny faces, and took lots of pictures of ourselves. I personally think we were having more fun!!

I'm working today and have a midterm in my ballet class. I will then be doing something for me tonight. Probably just relaxing at home. Eric and Kaila are going to Magic Mountain which I hate and though I'd love to be with them that is one amusement park they can do alone. Now I'm thinking maybe I should have gone, that was one of my fears. Na, that is a fear I can get over next year. There's always room to grow.

I think the final two days are going to be a bit harder. I'm giving another letter tomorrow and we are both easy to cry so I will not have her read it while her and her husband aren't with us. I really can't believe the final two days are here. I've gotten so much out of this practice even when not doing it 100% because I did it for me. To change me a bit for the better and feel good about the life I have and I can see where I've done that.

Five Days...

With five days left yesterday was a different type of day. My bosses mother died and we lost our pet hamster. I have to let an eight year old know this morning that Josh is no longer with us.

My boss seemed ok though but I'm not there with her all the time. I was able to be present for her and take care of things she needed to have done and it was nice. I brought her flowers in the am before I knew she had passed to brighten her day. I'm glad too that her mother went quickly. Ruth was a spit fire of a women. She was so independent. I don't know of many women in their 80's who still drive themselves around and take charge of their life. When she had the mild heart attack the family even felt to a point she'd be ok but within six weeks everything changed. It showed me again how quickly life can be taken away. I'm not sure if I've been around so much death lately to help with the practice I am doing or if it's just life but God it seems like a lot of people are passing even if not as direct as my bosses mom who I saw often and spoke with often. I mean for Kaila's class to have two deaths in two weeks within the past three weeks with a mother and a brother of her classmates dying. How sad but how real to see how it happens. I mean again, it really makes me cherish the life that I have.

We stayed in yesterday instead of going out. I made Chicken, Sweet Potatoes, and rice, and we all watched House. I even took some time to visit with Eric's grandmother. I really like Ellen and feel bad that she seems so lonely at times. She had me try her Chicken/Veggie soup for Passover and it was great!

Yesterday was a day of sadness. Today I will have a sad little girl and I think we will all be a bit sad for Josh (yes he's just a hamster) who has been with us since kindergarten. He was a trooper. I've never seen a hamster live this long.

Finally it's off to a walk with the family, my last breakfast at Factors Deli where we ate so often, and school and I love Tuesdays because it means my dance class. This is growth as well because I've found being happy and content going outside my comfort zone. I used to only know about Tuesdays in the valley and I was afraid to try new things but now I get excited for trying new things. I know I will find what I need anywhere "I" am.

More tomorrow...

Sunday....

It's finally down to my final week. I can't believe a year has almost passed. My goal for this final week is to just be. Just be ok with who I am so there would be no regrets...period. I want to do something even more with my family so they know how much they meant to me and really be present for them this week.

There has been a lot of death around me lately but not with my family or directly connected to me. My bosses mom is dying at her home and I work there, my daughters class mates mother died, her class mates brother was killed. It seems death does happen and whenever it happens we really have no choice. Be right sized.

Today we celebrate Eric. We will be celebrating the last 12 years of his life and will also be going to lunch with some of our close friends and with Miss Kaila and little Charlie. It's supposed to be beautiful today! I'm looking forward to this day with my family and friends. This will be the last time for the practices purposes that I will see some of these friends and I'm trying to figure out my good-bye (for now) but I know the words will come to me when the time is right.

About a month to go....

I missed my last Year To Live group. I wasn't feeling well yesterday and it was best that I rested. I've been very busy since starting school and I think I just had a physical melt down yesterday starting with waking via a migraine. Everyone is supposed to be getting together April 18th so I know I can attend that. I emailed/called one of the facilitators and let them know what was going on.

I was actually excited about going because I had done some more of wanted I wanted to do before I "die". I also am taking off my "death day" and just having a a day of meditation and rest. Just to be alone with me. I'm actually looking forward to it.

I've gotten so much out of this practice including being ok with me and the choices I make. I've been having some "fears" about my ballet class. I'm a note junkie. I feel that if you take notes you can do anything your taught. We are also encouraged to take notes during class so we don't look like we're not learning anything. However; I felt like I was the only one answering questions Thursday and I felt like the "know it all" or the "suck up" and I wasn't, I just want to get a good grade and do this class right. Not being in school for 15 years and I really want to get the most out of it. I got over that feeling pretty quick because I'm there again, for me and nobody else.

I'm so grateful to have done this over the past year and with a bit less than a month to go I'm looking forward to all that happens.