Friday, October 7, 2011


I've had all these feelings and then thoughts run through my head like "I need to be doing more", "I don't make any sense", and "If I only worked..." plus lots of other things run through my mind.

I realize after hearing two women speak tonight that I was in the right place at the right time.

1. I know that I am constantly I guess you'd call it bragging about my life. I do this to feel accepted by you and to show my family how great my life is and to say "Notice Me" but really it stems from growing up the oldest of three in a broken home with a single mom and distant father who I wanted to impress. By seventh grade, which is pretty sad I realized there was no impressing either of them and tried the as bad as can be and well that didn't work either and I got sucked into a crappy black hole until the ripe young age of 21. At this point I decided to again impress all and well, it must seem like I'm very into me and a bit of a show off but really I just want you to accept me and to make me feel OK. So guess's too much work and has to stop.

2. I talk too much and well, I ramble. I do this because (a) I'm nervous and (b) I'm nervous and (c) I think you'll think I'm an idiot and the more I talk the more I think you'll feel this way and still I keep talking. This is an ongoing issue but I'm going to stop this too. Let's see how this goes. I'm nervous around everyone, even if I know you and feel I don't make any sense. I don't feel at your level no matter who you are.

3. I used to bring in an income. Used To being the key words. I know am a Stay at Home mom trying to embrace this. The reality is that even though I can't shop the way I want, eat out when I don't want to cook, and do things whenever I still have a roof over my head and soon to be a home for my kids to have more room in. I have food at every meal and can enjoy Starbucks on Fridays. I live in a great neighborhood and don't have to worry about my safety. So I had to make some changes. Big deal. I'm so grateful for what I have and I have to remember that when my husband says I don't need to work that I should embrace being a mom and know they won't always want me around.

4. Diets suck. Eat right, exercise, and make life changes.

So that's it. As my blog expands into my life raising kids with a huge age gap I think I'll add in the changes to my life to make life so much easier. I'm so grateful I'm not the Katherine from 1997 on deaths door but the Katherine of today with quality problems.

Off to bed because who knows if we will have a late night party!

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