Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Body Issues...

I'm coming clean, I hate my body...I gain over 100 lbs. due to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So after being tested a lot and being a human guinea pig I'm told the only way to lose the weight is Gastric Bypass, so I do it. Heck my insurance approved it in under a day because of the disease I have. I even got over people judging and assuming I over ate a lot which wasn't the case. The truth was that if I didn't have the surgery I'd probably be dead before 40.
Now I'm not a fan of Plastic Surgery to make me stay oh so young. I will age the way I need to and I'm ok with that. HOWEVER; I hate my arms from the extra skin from the surgery. Yes, judge me for the extra skin, I look like a freak when standing naked. Now people say they don't notice and I keep on hearing "Have you lost more weight" but still I'm not used to being thin but still having to cover up my body and still feeling so overweight.

I started working with a trainer and doing ballet to help tone my body and to not have to do the plastic surgery route. After meeting with my trainer Sunday she noticed that it's just extra skin at the top of my arms. I then decided to look into Plastic Surgery....

One consultation and a quote of $18,500.00 I left the office. The funny thing is my insurance would cover my stomach if I wanted that done but the reality is I just really HATE how my arms look. I could care less for the most part about my stomach, ok that is a lie too.

My point, that if I just hold this in I'm going to keep feeling like crap about me. I don't mind putting this on my blog because it's really only read by a few people even though people know about it. Also, if people judge me oh well, they don't know all I've gone through...

Finally, I'm on a super shopping ban after Mothers Day weekend...I'm saving for my surgery and for a new home lol so I really have to save. Heck I should start a website looking for donations. Lots of people do it lol.
I feel really good about my health, the surgeon today said my BMI was under 30, and I'm very active but I'm so insecure of my arms with my past and with the weight loss and I wish I didn't get so sad when I looked at me in the mirror.

My goal is that if I don't get surgery that I come to be in acceptance that I'm ok just being who I am. It's weird, I did all this work on me over the past year and I feel great about 90% of my life but this weight thing keeps creeping up on me and I'd love to overcome it.
Photos are of me before surgery and 115 lbs. lighter

1 comment:

Miss Bliss said...

We need a meet up!! Be gentle with yourself and remember that big changes take time to internalize. Gratitude is a practice...which means that we are not always going to be good at it which is why we have to PRACTICE it...so maybe a little gratitude for arms that work, arms that hug, arms that are imperfect but yours encompassing your life story in all it's depth and detail.
There's nothing wrong with surgery if that is what you want, the challenge is to keep it in perspective and remember that self love is always that old inside job.