Francine

It was Wednesday of this past week when my mom called me and told me to meet her at the hospital. She was in tears so I knew it was bad. You know my first thought was something happened to my sister or one of her kids but it was my aunt.

The ethics committee spoke to my mother and it was decided to stop my aunts feeding tube. She's had Parkinson's Disease since she was 32 years old. That's my age now and has been going down hill ever since. She's now 55 and has no quality of life at all. Not that she ever did because she's been so sick her whole life. She's the only child under 10 I've heard of (though I'm sure there are more) that had a stroke at age 7. I feel so bad for her that I believe as well this is what is best for her.

I feel guilty when I'm not at the hospital because there is only my mother and I that can stay with her. My mother has to work and well I have a 7 year old to help raise. I left yesterday because her vitals were still top notch. I'll be working from the hospital this week. My work doesn't want me to work at all but those of you who know me I'll stress out more not knowing things are done. I've got a laptop and can connect remotely and when Francine is asleep I can work.

Last week was a hard week for me. Each day someone in my life had something go on where they called me for help or to talk. I was reminded that their events had nothing to do with me but that I was to be there for them. That was nice to hear because I think we all sometimes forget. It's just hard when people you care for go through lots. I also was stressing about lots of things.

It's funny (well not really) that I smoked again. I'm not now but it's been my crutch. I hit my smoking bottom in the Saturday Night Long Timers meeting I think (though I keep thinking I'm done) when in tears I asked Eric "How do you not smoke when so much is going on?" and he replied "I pray". I realized through writing I don't like to feel and smoking helps to mask that. I'm no saint but I think I did hit that bottom I felt like I did when I was a newcomer and I felt humiliation. It's been easier for me to smoke then to feel. I even hate the smell but it's what I'm used to. What sucks is the closet smoking part, it takes to much work. Yesterday I had no desire but before bed and when I arose I asked HP to remove the obsession.

Ok, so this is a long post, probably doesn't make any sense but I needed to get this out. I'm so worried that she is in so much pain at times. She can't even talk now. Two days ago I could still make my aunt laugh and yesterday, nothing. I hope that her journey isn't a long dragged out one. She doesn't deserve it. I know in my heart of hearts that she will be in a much better place. Her faith in her God has been so huge that she will be with her maker soon.

This picture is of a labyrinth at the hospital. The Chaplin says it helps people and I think I'll try it today. It gets cold in the hospital and some fresh air couldn't hurt.

Why?

This weekend a couple of things happened that I just had to question why?

Friday Kaila had her performance with the Isaiah Players at Temple Isaiah where she is going to summer camp. When we arrived at the Temple we were brought in by security. You know there is always security there like when I pick her up daily as well. Anyhow, I don't understand it. I don't understand how anyone could hate someone so much because of their color, religion, etc. This is something that has bugged me ever since I was little. My grandfather was a big racist and I've always hated it. I'm told I don't understand because I'm a Caucasian Christian Female. So what.....I still don't get it and maybe I'm ignorant to it all but I just wish that I wouldn't have to have security surround a place that was filled with so much joy and peace.

The service was amazing. There was so much gratitude talked about. I really felt good leaving the services. It's odd to think people would want to hurt people just living life to the fullest all because of their religion.

So onto question number two of why....We watched The Kingdom on Saturday night. There is a pretty disturbing scene with one of the characters and I had to leave our room while it was happening. I know things like this are happening in real life and then they have to go and show it in movies. Maybe I'm getting to old (and I'm young) to watch people be tortured on TV again because of their religion or just in general. It seems like more and more I can't handle certain movies, especially ones about wars in other countries.

This fall I get to return to school with less chaos of getting the office in order at my new job (which I still love). I think I want to take classes on history and different cultures. I just don't get a lot of things. I just think people shouldn't judge so much. My husband jokes that I'll die for my cause going into Africa or other countries and trying to get everyone to get along. I just don't understand why it gets so bad.

I don't always feel comfortable sharing how I really feel let alone on a blog but I've been practicing concurring my fears and well, blogging on more delicate subjects is one of them. To me this is something I'd not normally write but I'm glad I did. I probably wouldn't have just done this but I was disturbed twice on the same subject over the weekend and well, wanted to write it out.

Day Three...Gluten Free

Today is officially day three of being 100% gluten free. When I got back from Georgia I received my blood test results and I'm low on Iron, Protein, B-12, and the kicker I am borderline for Celiacs Disease.

Grocery shopping for 100% gluten free is hard. My lovely turkey meatballs at Trader Joes are a thing of the past. They have wheat in them :(

I see the GI doctor on Thursday and hope to get more answers and get a 2nd opinion. The surgery I had in March 2007 could alter my system a bit.

Hopefully this gets easier. Oh yeah drank protein yesterday, took my iron, and today b-12. I'm back on track. I really need to not just take care of myself spiritually but physically as well. My health is not a joke and I can't be too busy to take care of it. Note to self.

All good things must come to an end...

I'm sitting here waiting for my flight from Atlanta to Los Angeles to finally board, if it ever does.

We arrived in Savannah yesterday afternoon after spending the morning with my father and step mother. Kaila was tired, I was too so after a bit of rest we ate dinner at the Six Pence Pub/Restaurant and went back to our bed and breakfast to book our ghost tour.

We went on a 9 PM ghost tour that was neat to say the least. It was neat to hear about the start of the girl scouts there as well because we all know I'm going to be such a great troop leader next year....or maybe not.....

When we returned to our cottage there were these giant bugs that I found out were actually giant cockroaches and I just couldn't handle that so we moved into the main house to a quaint room that I actually liked much better. The place was clean don't get me wrong but it's humid at night there too and they crawled under this door upstairs....I really liked this bed and breakfast and the main house was super clean!!!

Breakfast today was some lovely blueberry pancakes and then we checked out. We went to the Mercer house and took a tour. Shame on them for not letting me take pictures of anything I wanted to but just know if you want a good informative tour in Savannah this is one of the places to visit.

So, we ended our trip by going to River Street and having a lovely lunch, buying a tacky shirt per a request, and some salt water taffy and headed back to the Savannah Airport.

Now our trip came to a happiness end because our flight was cancelled in Savannah, we got put on an earlier flight to Atlanta, that was delayed and now were in Atlanta where we found out our flight that was supposed to leave at 8:25 is now leaving at 11:00 and so we'll be sitting here for 6.5 hours. Fingers Crossed our flight isn't delayed any further......Pictures of our trip to follow soon.

Beautiful Mornings....

The pictures say it all.

View from my dads back porch (:

Simons Island, Rain, Fun....

Yesterday my father needed to do a photo shoot of a family and it was done at Simon's Island, GA. I feel in love with the beaches right away! I live right near a beach in California but I don't have a desire to be there daily. You know, traffic, too many people, bums, etc.


The beach we went to was amazing. I can't wait to post real pictures and not one off of Yahoo Images. You can walk in the sand and it's so soft and doesn't hurt your feet. You can walk far out into the ocean before you sink and the water is warm. I brought my bathing suit but had no real intention on getting in. I so changed my mind within minutes. I had a blast! Kaila caught fish with a net after making quick friends with some kids on vacation from Colorado. My father and step mother took lounge chairs into the surf and just relaxed as the water hit them. Such a mellow day!

We returned back to my dads and I wanted to take a walk with Kaila to see the cows down the road but again, it was raining. I'm noticing this to be a afternoon trend here. So we went to a indoor miniature golf place. There isn't much to do in Douglas if you're young I've found out. Today if it rains we'll be heading to a place called "The Fun Place" and for $10.00 you can play as many games as you want. I know she'll have fun there too.

We're going to Jacksonville, FL at some point today to see my step siblings and niece. That should be nice. I haven't seen them in two to three years.

I will update more later. This is nice doing a daily vacation blog (:

My goal for next year is to convince Eric we need to do a drive up and down the East Coast to hit all the nice beaches. That would be a wonderful vacation (:

Learning to Sew & Thunderstorms....

We arrived to my dads at about noon. Yesterday was spent taking numerous naps & enjoying family.

My step mother taught me how to use a sewing machine and no, I didn't hurt myself even. Sure my blanket to the left isn't the prettiest in the world but darn it, Kaila's Polly Pockets will love it! I now want a sewing machine and think of all the wonderful things I can make everyone I know........ Ok so that could take some time but for today I'm glad I can use one. Oh yeah, making my own seam was really cool.

We all went to see Wall*E. Very cute film and even with the power going out from a Thunderstorm (No Tornado's to worry about because I even inquired, again I know I'm a dork) we were able to still finish the movie and we all had fun.

We're going to an Island today or so I'm told. I will be posting a slide show when I return to California because I can't upload to the lap top. I'm really enjoying this trip but It's only 4 AM in California so I'm a bit sleep deprived. I will probably nap in the car today. My father says it's about a 2 hour drive to where we're going.

Until I write again.....

On Our Way

With Kaila getting very tired and me with butterflies in my stomach we are about to get on our plane to head on out to Georgia. I'm in fear but ready to do my soft belly meditation and try and sleep the whole time on the flight.

I'm going to attempt updating my blog daily on this trip as a bit of a journal.

We saw fireworks from the airport which was kinda cool.

Next update tomorrow evening. I plan on resting once we get to my fathers since we traveling all night and I'm driving three hours to get there tomorrow.

My first picture is of Kaila at the airport, the bags under her eyes show that she is getting tired. It wasn't much longer after this shot that she was ready for bed.

Going through the motions.....

Small lesson to learn that even when a day goes wrong it will always get better. To sit through the feelings/emotions helps you to grow as a person.

Don't get me wrong....I don't want days of pain but I know even learning the hard way sometimes that I have the tools and support to get through anything. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

Monday was a rough day for me and I began to sit through the pain but didn't complete the emotions and ended up smoking. I will NOT beat myself up for smoking but today after being right sized I have no desire to smoke and know that today will be a much better day.

It's amazing what dinner with a girlfriend, a meeting, and some sleep can do to help you get through the day....