Monday, July 28, 2008


It was Wednesday of this past week when my mom called me and told me to meet her at the hospital. She was in tears so I knew it was bad. You know my first thought was something happened to my sister or one of her kids but it was my aunt.

The ethics committee spoke to my mother and it was decided to stop my aunts feeding tube. She's had Parkinson's Disease since she was 32 years old. That's my age now and has been going down hill ever since. She's now 55 and has no quality of life at all. Not that she ever did because she's been so sick her whole life. She's the only child under 10 I've heard of (though I'm sure there are more) that had a stroke at age 7. I feel so bad for her that I believe as well this is what is best for her.

I feel guilty when I'm not at the hospital because there is only my mother and I that can stay with her. My mother has to work and well I have a 7 year old to help raise. I left yesterday because her vitals were still top notch. I'll be working from the hospital this week. My work doesn't want me to work at all but those of you who know me I'll stress out more not knowing things are done. I've got a laptop and can connect remotely and when Francine is asleep I can work.

Last week was a hard week for me. Each day someone in my life had something go on where they called me for help or to talk. I was reminded that their events had nothing to do with me but that I was to be there for them. That was nice to hear because I think we all sometimes forget. It's just hard when people you care for go through lots. I also was stressing about lots of things.

It's funny (well not really) that I smoked again. I'm not now but it's been my crutch. I hit my smoking bottom in the Saturday Night Long Timers meeting I think (though I keep thinking I'm done) when in tears I asked Eric "How do you not smoke when so much is going on?" and he replied "I pray". I realized through writing I don't like to feel and smoking helps to mask that. I'm no saint but I think I did hit that bottom I felt like I did when I was a newcomer and I felt humiliation. It's been easier for me to smoke then to feel. I even hate the smell but it's what I'm used to. What sucks is the closet smoking part, it takes to much work. Yesterday I had no desire but before bed and when I arose I asked HP to remove the obsession.

Ok, so this is a long post, probably doesn't make any sense but I needed to get this out. I'm so worried that she is in so much pain at times. She can't even talk now. Two days ago I could still make my aunt laugh and yesterday, nothing. I hope that her journey isn't a long dragged out one. She doesn't deserve it. I know in my heart of hearts that she will be in a much better place. Her faith in her God has been so huge that she will be with her maker soon.

This picture is of a labyrinth at the hospital. The Chaplin says it helps people and I think I'll try it today. It gets cold in the hospital and some fresh air couldn't hurt.


Anonymous said...

My heart hurts for you. Be sure to reach out if you need a shoulder! We're all here for you!

Angela Apple said...

You're doing the right thing, and no one is perfect.

My prayers for you!