Thursday, December 4, 2008

Pain will bring Growth

I went to the support group last night for the surgery I had. I walked in and felt a bit uncomfortable because I've lost my weight and those there were either pre-op or newly out and no one who was there was around when I had my surgery. Sure there were others who I knew had their surgery some time ago but I didn't know anyone.

It was nice though because there was a support group after that one for people 1+ years out and well, I'm coming up on two years out so it was nice to be there. It was nice to be there because I got to finally get off my chest all the anger I had around Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and all the weight gain I got from it and how mean people are to those who are fat and how afraid I am of ever being fat again! I mean friends weren't even nice to me for losing the weight, kinda odd, maybe they liked the fat sidekick.

What's really hard is seriously I have this thing about my arms, if I tell people my track marks at the top of my arm are just that and not a stretch mark which they aren't, people are forgiving like "poor you were a drug addict and now your not, yeah you" but my fear is that if people do think it's a stretch mark and people do judge and make rude comments.

I was also able to share about all those shallow folks in my life who go above and beyond to tell me how great I look but never told me once while I was overweight. Seriously there wasn't one day where I looked good...Not one?

It was nice to share and hear others say they too are afraid of ever being fat again. There was one other lady like me where her body couldn't process food right either and she too gained a lot of weight from that. It was nice to hear me be honest and say "I'm afraid to eat" or "I'm afraid the issues with food from PCOS will come back". I mean it does scare me how I eat so little at times because I'm afraid of the PCOS coming back full force and me gaining weight again. I can't go through that again.

I also noticed that I'm not the only one who worries for their families. It was nice to be with others who knew what I was going through and where we were able to offer each other suggestions and not be judged.

I think I'm going to continue meeting with them once a month. I never realized all the changes that would happen with my surgery. How even though I'm so much more healthy how I feel so much fear of ever being fat again. It was nice to see that others have the same self image issues. We were told that it can take up to 5 years for the brain to catch up with the body. I so have that issue still and I'm down to a size 8. I mean logically I know that I'm thin but when I look at myself I still see me from March 2007.

I am nice to everyone and having nothing against overweight people and I think I try and be even nicer because I know what it's like to be judged or looked down upon. It really does suck but goes to show how shallow people really are. People looked at me like "wow she eats a lot" and the reality was I didn't and the reality was I'd be dead in my early to mid 40's if I didn't have this surgery and the reality was like they said for some reason it did reverse a lot of my PCOS issues. PCOS won't fully go away but it's getting better and I'm getting better and it will take some time and work but I hope to feel ok with me soon. If I continue to be honest and get support of others who are going through this I hopefully won't be so angry or scared and I'm looking forward to that!

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