Monday, February 4, 2008

Turning it over...

For the past ten years there have been two women that I generally run my crazy minds thoughts through. I've been going through a lot lately spiritually and with the surgery I had to have recently well, it made me question things even more. So, if you know me it means my mind went into overload.

I explained that nightly my new fear isn't earthquakes but it's dying. I'm afraid I won't wake up. I think this past surgery for me, with the pain I felt prior, to the internal bleeding scare helped me to realize NO ONE lives forever and yes, life's short, and yes I've been feeling this way a while BUT I'm scared of the unknown.

It was reminded to me that death is the big unknown, which is true. When I go back to school I want to study different religions but also I joked there should be a class that studies death. You know I told her however there will not be anyone to teach it because really..once you're gone you're gone. No one will come back and give a lecture on what death is like.

This week my mission is to create a God Box. I've learned (I guess the hard way) that sometimes for me reaching out to my Higher Power isn't enough. I have to PHYSICALLY give away what I need help with. This doesn't mean I've failed at praying or anything it just means there will be things I have to really get rid of. The women who I spoke with suggested a God Can because "God Can" and "I can't". Made sense and seemed neat. I will create this God Can today or at least start on it and finish it by tomorrow.

There is so much I want to accomplish in this lifetime. My husband reminded me that we're ok last night. That me not working isn't the end of the world and that I should be doing things to take care of me. I have options today and well, that's nice. I hope that I learn more on this journey of life and that things that do scare me don't bring me down. Life won't always be easy and there are health scares. I think that this last situation took me for a loop. The pain was like nothing I never felt and everything that happend after well, really scared me.

I'm ok today and today will be a great day!