In Memory of Francine....

We went yesterday to do the memorial for my aunt at Descanso Gardens in La Canada. I realized it was a month to the day since she'd passed away. It was a nice day with Eric, Kaila, my mother Raylene, and nephew Tony. Below are some photos of our day....

My mother brought photos of Francine. Here she was as a baby.....

As a teenager.....

and as an adult....

Francine after the Parkinson's started to take over. This is her with Kaila as a newborn. Almost 8 years ago.

Just an example of the beautiful peace of Descanso Gardens

I love these fountains. It was such a beautiful day!

My mother and Tony

Eric, Kaila, & I

It is good to know that I am able to be present for my family today. About 11 years ago that wasn't an option. I was too selfish. We are going to scatter her ashes this October and spend a weekend as a family in Big Bear because it's a place she loved to visit. I know she was with us at Descanso Gardens. I'm going to go through the family photos and see if there are any photos of her gardens that she used to maintain.

My family is small and we don't have lots of pictures so I've learned that I need to keep better record of our growing family so we have lots to look back on in years to come.

It feels good to share this because my family means so much to me today..

Endings & New Beginnings

Yesterday at 10:15AM my aunt Francine past away. She had died 10 minutes before I got to the hospital. I beat myself up at first for making stops but you know, I was there everyday almost all day with her. Nightly I would tell her I love her and let her know it was OK to move on. I saw there was no reason to beat myself up over something I had no control over. It was her destiny to move on when she did.

My aunt is at peace now. She was a neat lady. Before her Parkinson's started she would have these beautiful gardens. She loved animals and loved her old T.V. shows. I remember as a child having to watch The Sound of Music and The Towering Inferno so many times because those were two movies she'd watch over and over again.

It's sad, yes, but my mother and I took care of all the arrangements yesterday and we are going to do a family memorial once we receive her ashes in a couple of weeks.

Today is a new day and a day I can live to the fullest. It's the start of a new month and a new year for me as well. I'm grateful that I am the person I am today and that I was able to be there and accountable for my family when they needed me most. I used to be the person you wouldn't call or rely on for anything.

I've included a picture of Francine from my wedding before her Parkinson's finally took over. As I close, my sappy moment for you is to remember to cherish the ones you love, always.

Francine

It was Wednesday of this past week when my mom called me and told me to meet her at the hospital. She was in tears so I knew it was bad. You know my first thought was something happened to my sister or one of her kids but it was my aunt.

The ethics committee spoke to my mother and it was decided to stop my aunts feeding tube. She's had Parkinson's Disease since she was 32 years old. That's my age now and has been going down hill ever since. She's now 55 and has no quality of life at all. Not that she ever did because she's been so sick her whole life. She's the only child under 10 I've heard of (though I'm sure there are more) that had a stroke at age 7. I feel so bad for her that I believe as well this is what is best for her.

I feel guilty when I'm not at the hospital because there is only my mother and I that can stay with her. My mother has to work and well I have a 7 year old to help raise. I left yesterday because her vitals were still top notch. I'll be working from the hospital this week. My work doesn't want me to work at all but those of you who know me I'll stress out more not knowing things are done. I've got a laptop and can connect remotely and when Francine is asleep I can work.

Last week was a hard week for me. Each day someone in my life had something go on where they called me for help or to talk. I was reminded that their events had nothing to do with me but that I was to be there for them. That was nice to hear because I think we all sometimes forget. It's just hard when people you care for go through lots. I also was stressing about lots of things.

It's funny (well not really) that I smoked again. I'm not now but it's been my crutch. I hit my smoking bottom in the Saturday Night Long Timers meeting I think (though I keep thinking I'm done) when in tears I asked Eric "How do you not smoke when so much is going on?" and he replied "I pray". I realized through writing I don't like to feel and smoking helps to mask that. I'm no saint but I think I did hit that bottom I felt like I did when I was a newcomer and I felt humiliation. It's been easier for me to smoke then to feel. I even hate the smell but it's what I'm used to. What sucks is the closet smoking part, it takes to much work. Yesterday I had no desire but before bed and when I arose I asked HP to remove the obsession.

Ok, so this is a long post, probably doesn't make any sense but I needed to get this out. I'm so worried that she is in so much pain at times. She can't even talk now. Two days ago I could still make my aunt laugh and yesterday, nothing. I hope that her journey isn't a long dragged out one. She doesn't deserve it. I know in my heart of hearts that she will be in a much better place. Her faith in her God has been so huge that she will be with her maker soon.

This picture is of a labyrinth at the hospital. The Chaplin says it helps people and I think I'll try it today. It gets cold in the hospital and some fresh air couldn't hurt.